leinad (babak 5)

Mengapa harus jadi begini? Segala kebaikan bagai dilupakan, lalu zahirlah bermacam kesilapan, yang bagai diciptakan demi memuaskan sedetik perasaan yang mungkin terbit di luar kawalan fikiran.

Dia menyayanginya. Sememangnya dia menyayanginya. Ada harapan kecil di dalam hatinya agar dia mengerti akan kasih sayangnya. Tapi dia hanya boleh berharap, dia tidak boleh menjangka.

Dulu dia tidak begitu, apakah yang mungkin merasuk mindanya? Ah... dia tidak mahu membabitkan sesiapa, menyalahkan sesiapa; tetapi nalurinya begitu kuat berbicara. Bukankah selama ini hanya dia bersamanya? Tanpa kehadiran orang ketiga? Dia menyukai kedua-duanya tetapi nalurinya bagai menolak-nolak dan menidak-nidak. Perlukah dibiarkan naluri bersuara?

+ Jangan fikir yang abang menghalang.

- Saya rasa terkongkong.

+ Niat bukan untuk mengongkong, tapi demi kebaikan. Harus menjadi orang baik-baik, berjaya dalam hidup.

- Saya rasa terkongkong. Tidak bebas. Mengapa saya tidak boleh berkawan dengan orang baru?

+ Jangan salah faham. Bukan melarang membuat kawan, cuma berpesan agar tidak termakan segala kebaikan yang mungkin mengaburkan, yang selalunya datang dari mereka yang lebih dewasa lebih berpengalaman.

- Saya terkongkong.

+ Semua ini demi kebaikan, ya, mungkin ia disalahertikan. Tapi percayalah, semua ini kerana sayang.

- Kenapa mengongkong?

+ Maafkan abang jika itu yang dirasakan. Bukan niat untuk menjadi penghalangmu dalam meniti keremajaan.

Mungkin nanti jika dia tiada, akan berbicaralah seorangan. Akan terus dia berpesan pada dirinya sendiri - Jika hati sejernih air, jangan biarkan ia keruh. Jika hati seputih awan, jangan biarkan ia mendung. Jika hati selembut salju, jangan biarkan ia jadi batu. Moga dia tahu, moga dia tahu, moga dia tahu...

all my love

All my love came to nothing at all, my love When I woke up to find You were no longer mine All my love thrown away after all this time Now there’s no place for me in the future, you see I don’t understand you I’ve done all I can do Tell me how could I give you more More than all my love

racau

Dialog I (dialogku)

Apabila ku berlari, kurasakan begitu perlahan, seakan berjalan. Apabila kuberjalan, kurasakan begitu perlahan, seakan merangkak. Apabila ku merangkak, kuarasakan lumpuh. Pancaroba yang merasuk setiap makhluk bergelar manusia. Mengeringkan perasaan, tandus kemahuan.

Apabila mulutku melafazkan hasrat, hatiku membakar semangat. Apabila bibirku mengucapkan kata, jiwaku membara lara. Inikah dia manusia? Atau hamba? Apabila kupinta dipujuk, apakah aku dikata merajuk? Kalau kumahu membisik, apakah ada yang mahu merisik? Mendengar keluhanku? Luahan yang bukan dari bibir tapi dari hati? Lalu apabila dua birbirku dirapatkan, apakah bermaksud kudiam? Mungkin ungkapan yang terbit dari bibir lebih didengari daripada jeritan batin yang tiada bersuara. Memangnya sering keliru, bukankah ia biasa?

Dialog II(dialog hati)

"Humbankan saja yang terbuku di sini. Hidup lebih penting daripada melayan rasa dan raga. Tiadakah kau kerja lain selain bertutur dengan jiwa? Apakah perlu semua itu? Kau arif bukan? Bahawa suaraku tidak didengari sesiapa kecuali olehmu sendiri? Itupun, kalau kau memilih untuk mendengariku. Usaha khuatir, jangan mengasihaniku, jangan sesekali menaruh simpati terhadapku. Memangnya aku tidak biasa berkata-kata kerana aku selesa dengan hanya berbisik. Padaku, itu adalah biasa."

Dialog III (dialog mata)

"Jarang dapat aku melihatmu. Lebih mudah untuk kumelihat orang lain, mereka yang berdepan denganmu, yang bertutur denganmu. Tidak kira tutur itu daripada apa yang ada pada mereka. Jadi, kubiar saja kau melihat dirimu sendiri. Kau juga tidak pernah berbicara denganku. Kau lebih senang berbicara dengan hati, sedangkan kau boleh melihatku kalau itu yang kau mahu. Pilihan ada pada dirimu. Cuma, aku makrif bahawa segala tindakanmu dikawal oleh hatimu. Mengapa begitu? Mengapa tidak kau biarkan saja akalmu sesekali merawatmu? Bukankah itu kelebihan yang ada padamu? Pada semua manusia? Atau, kau tidak biasa?"

Dialog IV (dialogku)

Ku belajar, ku diajar. Menggunakan arca, menggunakan akal. Memilih antah daripada beras. Agar keputusan tepat dan deras. Cuma, aku tidak lagi percayakan akal, lantaran akal penuh muslihat, sedangkan hati sarat azimat. Maka jangan menyalahkan, sekiranya pilihan atas anganan. Bosanku pada kebiasaan. Bosan pada kebosanan yang biasa. Lalu, kumemilih yang luar dari biasa.

leinad (babak 4)

Baru beberapa hari, tetapi bagaikan beberapa minggu. Biasalah begitu kalau merindu. Hati terus menanti. Kalbu terus menunggu.

- Tapi dia hanya menghubungimu apabila mahukan sesuatu?

+ Kata siapakah begitu?

- Alam dan sekitar biasanya bercerita.

+ Kau aneh.

- Kau rasa ada yang bernama aneh dalam hidup?

+ Pelik.

- Juga tiada.

+ Mengapa begitu bicaramu?

- Kerana yang ada adalah Mungkin.

+ Aku tahu rasanya sama seperti ragaku.

- Menyayangi?

+ Ya.

- Merindui?

+ Ya.

- Mengasihi?

+ Ya.

- Kepastiannya?

+ Tiada yang pasti dalam hidup bukan?

- Harus pandai memilih antah daripada beras.

Benar juga. Sampai bila mahu terus berharap? Sampai mana mahu terus lena? Pasti sampai saatnya juga mata hati harus dibuka. Apakah sayang perlu dibiar melayang? Kasih dibiar pedih?

Ahh... biar terus berteka. Bukankah itu namanya kehidupan? Bukankah kesamaran itu lumrah perjalanan? Dan bukankah perjalanan itu ada akhiran?

the tragedy

Youth is a gift of nature, but age is a work of art. I don't remember who said it, but I do remember reading it somewhere. And so many a man adore youth, for youth is beauty. So what's with beauty and youth if they lack the wisdom? Martin Luther King had said that it would be a good thing if young people were wise, and old people were strong, but God has arranged things better.

People always say that age is nothing but a number. But age is other things too. It is wisdom, if one has lived one's life properly. It is experience and knowledge. And it is getting to know all the ways the world turns, so that if you cannot turn the world the way you want, you can at least get out of the way so you won't get run over.

Perhaps it is a tragedy in life that we get old too soon and wise too late.

leinad (babak 3)

Semalam dia mahukan udang, makanan kegemarannya, makanan laut. Lalu dia membawanya ke tasik itu. Suatu ketika ia begitu masyhur, buainya tidak berhenti berayun, pengunjungnya berduyun. Suatu ketika orang berkayak di situ, berpesta, bersuka-suka dengan keluarga, dengan yang tercinta. Suatu ketika. Kini ia tidak segah dulu, tidak semeriah dulu. Mujur juga ada restoran itu, adalah juga yang mengunjungi tasik itu. Kiranya tasik itu punya perasaan sepertinya, pasti ia sepi. Terus menanti hari meniti. Kiranya tasik itu punya kata-kata, pasti tiada terucap apa-apa. Terus akur bersama pijar-pijar alpa. Kiranya tasik itu punya ingatan, apakah mungkin ia lupakan segala kenangan?

Seboleh mungkin dia tidak mahu terperangkap dalam situasi begitu, yang memestikan dia memberikan jawapan yang kelabu. Merana badan menanggung beban. Menanggung segala sendirian. Baiknya ada kenangan. Mungkin boleh mengubat hati yang rawan bila keseorangan.

+ Puas?

- Puas bang.

+ Mahu ke sini lagi?

- Ke sini kalau nak makan udang. Tapi ke sini bila tak ramai orang.

+ Kenapa? Malu kalau diperhatikan berjalan dengan abang?

- Bukan.

+ Kalau bukan?

- Lebih aman tanpa ramai orang. Lebih ruang.

Sepanjang berjalan di bibir tasik, dia melihat sekeliling, gelap tapi tak kelam, sunyi tapi tak suram, begitu tenang, rasa dan raga terus diselam. Dan kakinya terus memijak rerumput dingin. Basah, mungkin hujan turun siangnya. Subur rerumput itu. Dan dia terus berjalan, sambil berharap agar rumput itu kan terus subur sebegitu walaupun mungkin dipijak , sambil kepalanya mendongak ke langit membilang bintang yang terus berkerdipan.

leinad (babak 2)

He had thought that God gave him you to show him what’s real. That there’s more to life than just how he feels. That all that he’s worth is before his eyes. Though he didn’t know why. Yet you must tell him what you want to do and he will leave it up to you, for he doesn’t want to lose you now, tomorrow, and forever. Yet the two thoughts on either side of this space are merely trying to tell us who we are, but instead it is always the ego talking, always trying to keep itself alive. He may be a dreamer, one who has strong visualisation and highly imaginative, for he who visualises and imagines is a person who is passionate. There is something in him that clings to certain events or things he hears, sees or even experiences. It is the essential of our spiritual being once it is divorced from emotion and intellectual influences.

He is not uneducated, in fact he is, in his own way, intelligent. At times he does feel dumb though. He feels dumber when he starts thinking why fate should bring him to knowing you. He had thought you are a gift. A gift life has to offer. A gift from God. He wanted to be strong so that he could protect you, protect himself. He read and understood that the strongest oak tree of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun, it's the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun.

So he understands the fact of life. That life is a struggle. That life is a survival That life is about reality. That reality is about wrong and right. And that reality does bite.

leinad (babak 1)

Bukan tidak sayang tapi hati berbelah bahagi. Semua ini bagai mimpi. Antara budi antara balasan. Antara cinta antara sayang. Antara ya antara bukan. Betapa jauh kaki melangkah. Berapa lama fikiran bercanggah. Banyak mana detik bersama. Banyak mana igauan menjelma. Dia mahu selamanya. Semuanya. Namun dia manusia yang biasa. Tiada yang istimewa.

Dan dia teruskan langkah. Meniti titi yang kukuhnya tiada pasti. Menyusur masa meninggalkan pengalaman. Harapannya ia abadi dalam kenangan. Tidak luput ditelan zaman. Biar hujan tak basah. Biar panas tak lekang. Biar rendam tak masam. Walang tak muram.

Dia sedar, menilai biar tenang, hati budi perlu diselam, agar tidak terus tenggelam. Dia juga sedar, detik hanya ruang. Kiranya dia hilang, bukan bererti tiada. Sering juga dia gusar, kalau-kalau tersasar. Gelisah, bila dia resah. Takut kalau-kalau dia pergi, terus berlari. Takut kalau kasih sayang tidak lagi subur, harapan terus terkubur. Banyak persoalan belum terungkai. Siapa membelai, siapa dibelai. Dalam diam dia melagukan pantun lama, mengingatkan dirinya agar tidak terus lena - anak kumbang terbang merayap,jatuh tercungap di dalam tangki, hendak terbang tiada bersayap, hendak hinggap tiada berkaki.

the attachment

No one can go back to where he has left. He may turn back, however just to find that it is no longer exactly the same. Seasons change and so do people. It is the ordinary pattern of life that we meet and part, fall in and out, tie and break connections - all around the edges of something, for the edges are always there, at times when we are arriving and departing, and these times, more often they come too swiftly, and unless we seize these brief moments, we may end up missing what should have been a part of us.

And so a coffee maker appreciates the smell of coffee, when his customer craves for its taste. Two people appreciate the same thing differently, but it's the coffee that brings them together. It's the experience of sharing; for we all share some things in common, we share time to live, air to breathe. We share an identity we just never realise for we share passion of all things beautiful.

Looking back, remembering where we met our best friends, we see that many of those friendships emerged in the context of doing something interesting together over time. We went to school together. We worked in the same company. We were members of the same forum maybe, or gather at a teh tarik session.

We may begin with one shared interest and discover others.

It's only when the connection is repeated that a difference is made...

...when days of absence become days of sadness, thus clothing us in sorrow's dark array. And inside us, worry that never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, makes its presence. And little do we realise that it only saps today of its joy. .. Grasp no more than the heart will hold.

the garden - part 2

Maybe it's good to have money and the things money can buy, but it's good too, to check once in a while and make sure that we haven't lost the things money can't buy.

For those who are fortunate to be in a relationship, I suppose that should make them the happiest people, whether or not it's totally complete. When two become one, loneliness is just a vocabulory of the past. And this is happiness, for happiness is not so much in having as sharing. And being happy does not have to mean that everything is perfect but rather, the mutual readiness to look beyond the imperfections. Throughout my life, I have learned that a relationship is like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

If only I had realised that it's also like a garden... and again, it takes two to tango. But I guess the happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along the way.

kias kisah

- bukankah hati manusia bagaikan perigi, makin dalamnya ia, makin sukar dilihat airnya...?

+ mungkin juga hati ibarat bara yang lebih mudah dihilangkan kehangatannya apabila apinya sudah tidak lagi menyala...

- tapi perlukah kenyataan dikaburi khayalan, lantaran tidak semua kenyataan beriringkan perkataan... ibarat jasad yang tidak dilihat nyawanya

asad dan nyawa bukan semestinya harus bersama... tidak seumpama sekam dan api

- sekam dan api kan terbakar. Tidak bagaikan karam berdua lemas sorang...

+ bagaimana dengan kunang-kunang yang hanya berkelip di malam hari...?

- akan teranglah malam

+ dan kiranya gerhana?

- kalau tahu bulan kan gerhana, siapkan lilin teranglah malam...

+ mari bertumbuk padi jadikan empeng, lantaran pipit hendak bertenggek ke ranting...

- begitu mudah berbicara? umpama layang-layang bertali benang, putus benang berganti tali...

+ apakah harus bertanam tebu di pinggir bibir...

- batang senduduk dahan berpintal...

- mungkinkan banyak duri namun tidak sama duri selasih... ?

+ haruskah mencari rebung di tanah seberang...?

- banyak orang menanam pulut, saya seorang menanam padi...

+ ingat, awan berarak putih berseri hilang di balik awan petang...

- aneh juga tebu seberang, dari perdu sampailah ke pucuk...

+ mungkinkah tali layang sering putus terajunya...?

- ketam rencung tak pandai menyepit...

+ apakah harus bertanam kelapa di tepi pantai...

- perlukah ombak di laut meniti buih...?

+ tidak seia rotan akar yang panjang berjela...

- hilang tebing limpahlah aur...

+ nampak rendang pohon belimbing...

- di batang buruk sarang tekukur, tempat bersarang semut api...

+ sayang galah hujungnya tirus...

- bagai diulit permatang hati...

+ pergi ke perigi mengambil timba, timba terletak di pohon lada...

- tiup api embun berderai, niat hati tak hendak bercerai,

hilang sahabat boleh dicari, hilang kekasih merana diri...

rasa & raga

Sudah lama saya tinggalkannya. Sudah dua dekad. Selama itulah saya sangka saya sudah bisa melupakannya.

Namun sangkaan saya meleset kiranya. Jika inilah yang dikatakan lemah, lemahlah saya. Kalau inilah yang diandaikan rapuh, rapuhlah saya. Rupanya benar apa yang sering saya baca dan dengar. Hilang tak bererti tiada. Masa hanya ruang. Detik itu waktu. Segala yang mengisinya akan terus menjadi bayang. Tidak kan hilang. Maka pijakan saya tetap sama. Di tanah yang sama dengan segar angin yang tiada berbeza.

Berawal dari dua dekad yang lalu hingga larut dua dekad yang kemudiannya. Dan dia tetap sama. Mungkin saya sudah berubah. Dia jua. Tapi tidak hati dan perasaan. Sedekad mahupun dua dekad atau mungkin seabad lamanya, beginilah rasa dan raga saya. Lantas jiwa saya terus berdoa. Semoga dia jua sama.

boys do cry

Men who cry are brave because they just let their emotions flow. After all, a man is not made of steel. And men are just as vulnerable. And when a man is emotional, he normally expresses it through his anger. Perhaps it is healthy when a man can express his true emotions. And perhaps it is better for a man to cry than to show his sadness and pain through violence. And men is just as vulnerable. It's when men are forced to hide their emotions that causes more stress and anxiety.

I believe that it is not at all bad to show your true emotions. Human experiences emotions everyday. Although generally men are less sensitive and nature have given them more control over their emotion than women, they are still human. Thus, cry they do when emotion of pain and sadness reach to its limit and there no longer exist any room within to control. Everything has its limit and when that something reaches its limit, it bursts. And generally, most men don't cry again over the same thing, which they have learned how to control that same situation the next time it happens.

Why should one mask his feelings when that is what he is feeling? Why should a man stifle any tear when it should come in endless streams? Does showing emotions make one any less of a man?

the garden

I suppose the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. Love and relationship alike, is like a garden, one must take time to water, cultivate and pull out the weeds. For the fact that it is like a garden, one must ensure that he has the confidence in himself to ensure that the garden will remain a garden, and not turn into a bush over time. Maybe with this kind of confidence, he will consequently gain the confidence of others (in this case, his significant other).

In this process of nurturing the garden, we seek for resources. Books, consultation, experience sharing, may be of benefit, for later if not now. It's just like when you dig the well before you are thirsty. With some expectation that all of of us can be hurt, that some of us can, and some will, at times, fail, we prepare ourselves by accepting the simple rule - that we can take the worst, take the risk. Life is, after all, a risk. You love and be loved, hurt and be hurt. I believe that love may break, but I also believe that it never dies. Maybe it only changes shape.

a life to live

Life is a risk. Risk while living, loving, risk of leaving, losing, missing - a multitude of risks. In the solitude of our mothers' wombs, we are born into a world of multiplicity - full of people and no longer are we alone - alone we may not be, lonely we may be, for a solitude life sans love is no life. Some people seek love, some don't, but still it comes; for love is inevitable in one's life.

Love is thus a risk. A risk worth taking. As to every season, love has its own time, and its own reasons from coming and going. One cannot coerce it or reason it into staying. One can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes. Loving someone means giving him or her a piece of ourselves. And when that love is gone, it doesn't mean that we get that piece back but that we are forever changed by its absence.

When that love is gone, then begins the first step to recovery; and that first step is to acknowledge that the relationship is over. Let go of any grievances, try to end on a happy note remembering the good times. And we allow ourselves to grieve and cry. We never deny the sadness but instead realise that it will soon pass.

Most importantly, we do not make any decision or do anything that we may later regret. This is a highly emotional state that will pass. And of course, we start dating again when ready.

One should have no regrets for loving someone because the feeling of love for five minutes is greater than an eternity of hurt. And because life is risk, it is a risk we must take. For there's life to live, and live we must.

polygamy

Polygamy has been practiced by mankind for thousands of years. Many of the ancient Israelites were polygamous, some having hundreds of wives. King Solomon (peace be upon him) is said to have had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. David (Dawood) had ninety-nine and Jacob (Ya'kub, peace be upon them both) had four. Advice given by some Jewish wise men state that no man should marry more than four wives. No early society put any restrictions on the number of wives or put any conditions about how they were to be treated. Jesus was not known to have spoken against polygamy. As recently as the seventeenth century, polygamy was practiced and accepted by the Christian Church. The Mormons (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) has allowed and practiced polygamy in the United States.

Monogamy was introduced into Christianity at the time of Paul when many revisions took place in Christianity. This was done in order for the church to conform to the Greco-Roman culture where men were monogamous but owned many slaves who were free for them to use: In other words, unrestricted polygamy. Early Christians invented ideas that women were "full of sin" and man was better off to "never marry."

Since this would be the end of mankind these same people compromised and said "marry only one."

Actually there are three kinds of polygamy practiced in Western societies: -serial polygamy, that is, marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, and so on any number of times; -a man married to one woman but having and supporting one or more mistresses; -an unmarried man having a number of mistresses. Islam condones but discourages the first and forbids the other two.

But, what about those who never marry...?

And, does polygamy only applies in the context of man and women?

old flame

Old flames die hard. On a more serious note, I suppose it's just extremely human to consider old flames and wonder whether the past passion between two people would today be an undying flame or perhaps just a weak flicker. We are not supposed to necessarily "get over this person," but rather, to allow the intrigue of the past spice up the present. After all, were there not assorted unhappinesses - "past pain" - which might be linked to past relationship? Perhaps historical perspective is never clear or entirely accurate, but often rose-colored and influenced by present desire.

so do we act abnormally? but, isn't the normalcy of behaviour more commonly judged from the extent of separation from abnormality? And when these two extreme characteristics are solely determined by the majority... thus what is left by own self...?

the road not taken

The Road Not Taken - by Robert Frost TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I... I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

unconditional

Suppose when we attach any sort of expectation to even our kindest thought, it ceases to be a gift and becomes instead, a debt to pay. No longer is it a blessing but rather a burden to bear. So, is this not the reason so many human relationships fail? What if our own expectations are attached to our emotions then the gift of love becomes only the tie that bind. When our loved ones fail to live up to our own expectations, the relationship tends to suffer. Expectation is the food which gives rise to yet a more demanding hunger. Perhaps it is an unconditional love that is the sweetness of Life that feeds your eternal-self.

in the eyes

So what is this thing with "beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder"? A man's meat may be another man's poison? It's like to the world you may be the one person, but to one person you may be the world? How can we resent life that has been created for ourselves? Who's to blame, who's to credit, but us?

I did write once in "the habits" on my observation that it's the human nature, or is it Malaysian nature, to like, to admire, to adore foreign products. Or maybe it IS human nature to be attracted to those not really had or possessed by them? I mean, how many people actually see a watch on someone else's wrist, or a shirt on someone else's body and think that it's nicer than what they're having? Or to go to the extreme, to having the slightest idea that their girlfriends or their wives are not as beautiful as their brothers' or friends'?

I suppose unless we believe in ourselves and maintain that certain level of confidence, nothing splendid would have been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstances.

So back to beauty lying in the eyes of the beholder, we possibly have been living a democratic life, so much so that we succumb to the voice of the majority. So what the majority says is what we tend to believe. This is probably true because in "The Clan of The Cave Bear" (a book of which i cannot seem to recall the author which was later made into a movie starring Daryl Hannah), the beautiful girl (Hannah) is the ugliest creature among them...