leinad (babak 4)

Baru beberapa hari, tetapi bagaikan beberapa minggu. Biasalah begitu kalau merindu. Hati terus menanti. Kalbu terus menunggu.

- Tapi dia hanya menghubungimu apabila mahukan sesuatu?

+ Kata siapakah begitu?

- Alam dan sekitar biasanya bercerita.

+ Kau aneh.

- Kau rasa ada yang bernama aneh dalam hidup?

+ Pelik.

- Juga tiada.

+ Mengapa begitu bicaramu?

- Kerana yang ada adalah Mungkin.

+ Aku tahu rasanya sama seperti ragaku.

- Menyayangi?

+ Ya.

- Merindui?

+ Ya.

- Mengasihi?

+ Ya.

- Kepastiannya?

+ Tiada yang pasti dalam hidup bukan?

- Harus pandai memilih antah daripada beras.

Benar juga. Sampai bila mahu terus berharap? Sampai mana mahu terus lena? Pasti sampai saatnya juga mata hati harus dibuka. Apakah sayang perlu dibiar melayang? Kasih dibiar pedih?

Ahh... biar terus berteka. Bukankah itu namanya kehidupan? Bukankah kesamaran itu lumrah perjalanan? Dan bukankah perjalanan itu ada akhiran?

the tragedy

Youth is a gift of nature, but age is a work of art. I don't remember who said it, but I do remember reading it somewhere. And so many a man adore youth, for youth is beauty. So what's with beauty and youth if they lack the wisdom? Martin Luther King had said that it would be a good thing if young people were wise, and old people were strong, but God has arranged things better.

People always say that age is nothing but a number. But age is other things too. It is wisdom, if one has lived one's life properly. It is experience and knowledge. And it is getting to know all the ways the world turns, so that if you cannot turn the world the way you want, you can at least get out of the way so you won't get run over.

Perhaps it is a tragedy in life that we get old too soon and wise too late.

leinad (babak 3)

Semalam dia mahukan udang, makanan kegemarannya, makanan laut. Lalu dia membawanya ke tasik itu. Suatu ketika ia begitu masyhur, buainya tidak berhenti berayun, pengunjungnya berduyun. Suatu ketika orang berkayak di situ, berpesta, bersuka-suka dengan keluarga, dengan yang tercinta. Suatu ketika. Kini ia tidak segah dulu, tidak semeriah dulu. Mujur juga ada restoran itu, adalah juga yang mengunjungi tasik itu. Kiranya tasik itu punya perasaan sepertinya, pasti ia sepi. Terus menanti hari meniti. Kiranya tasik itu punya kata-kata, pasti tiada terucap apa-apa. Terus akur bersama pijar-pijar alpa. Kiranya tasik itu punya ingatan, apakah mungkin ia lupakan segala kenangan?

Seboleh mungkin dia tidak mahu terperangkap dalam situasi begitu, yang memestikan dia memberikan jawapan yang kelabu. Merana badan menanggung beban. Menanggung segala sendirian. Baiknya ada kenangan. Mungkin boleh mengubat hati yang rawan bila keseorangan.

+ Puas?

- Puas bang.

+ Mahu ke sini lagi?

- Ke sini kalau nak makan udang. Tapi ke sini bila tak ramai orang.

+ Kenapa? Malu kalau diperhatikan berjalan dengan abang?

- Bukan.

+ Kalau bukan?

- Lebih aman tanpa ramai orang. Lebih ruang.

Sepanjang berjalan di bibir tasik, dia melihat sekeliling, gelap tapi tak kelam, sunyi tapi tak suram, begitu tenang, rasa dan raga terus diselam. Dan kakinya terus memijak rerumput dingin. Basah, mungkin hujan turun siangnya. Subur rerumput itu. Dan dia terus berjalan, sambil berharap agar rumput itu kan terus subur sebegitu walaupun mungkin dipijak , sambil kepalanya mendongak ke langit membilang bintang yang terus berkerdipan.

leinad (babak 2)

He had thought that God gave him you to show him what’s real. That there’s more to life than just how he feels. That all that he’s worth is before his eyes. Though he didn’t know why. Yet you must tell him what you want to do and he will leave it up to you, for he doesn’t want to lose you now, tomorrow, and forever. Yet the two thoughts on either side of this space are merely trying to tell us who we are, but instead it is always the ego talking, always trying to keep itself alive. He may be a dreamer, one who has strong visualisation and highly imaginative, for he who visualises and imagines is a person who is passionate. There is something in him that clings to certain events or things he hears, sees or even experiences. It is the essential of our spiritual being once it is divorced from emotion and intellectual influences.

He is not uneducated, in fact he is, in his own way, intelligent. At times he does feel dumb though. He feels dumber when he starts thinking why fate should bring him to knowing you. He had thought you are a gift. A gift life has to offer. A gift from God. He wanted to be strong so that he could protect you, protect himself. He read and understood that the strongest oak tree of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun, it's the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun.

So he understands the fact of life. That life is a struggle. That life is a survival That life is about reality. That reality is about wrong and right. And that reality does bite.

leinad (babak 1)

Bukan tidak sayang tapi hati berbelah bahagi. Semua ini bagai mimpi. Antara budi antara balasan. Antara cinta antara sayang. Antara ya antara bukan. Betapa jauh kaki melangkah. Berapa lama fikiran bercanggah. Banyak mana detik bersama. Banyak mana igauan menjelma. Dia mahu selamanya. Semuanya. Namun dia manusia yang biasa. Tiada yang istimewa.

Dan dia teruskan langkah. Meniti titi yang kukuhnya tiada pasti. Menyusur masa meninggalkan pengalaman. Harapannya ia abadi dalam kenangan. Tidak luput ditelan zaman. Biar hujan tak basah. Biar panas tak lekang. Biar rendam tak masam. Walang tak muram.

Dia sedar, menilai biar tenang, hati budi perlu diselam, agar tidak terus tenggelam. Dia juga sedar, detik hanya ruang. Kiranya dia hilang, bukan bererti tiada. Sering juga dia gusar, kalau-kalau tersasar. Gelisah, bila dia resah. Takut kalau-kalau dia pergi, terus berlari. Takut kalau kasih sayang tidak lagi subur, harapan terus terkubur. Banyak persoalan belum terungkai. Siapa membelai, siapa dibelai. Dalam diam dia melagukan pantun lama, mengingatkan dirinya agar tidak terus lena - anak kumbang terbang merayap,jatuh tercungap di dalam tangki, hendak terbang tiada bersayap, hendak hinggap tiada berkaki.

the attachment

No one can go back to where he has left. He may turn back, however just to find that it is no longer exactly the same. Seasons change and so do people. It is the ordinary pattern of life that we meet and part, fall in and out, tie and break connections - all around the edges of something, for the edges are always there, at times when we are arriving and departing, and these times, more often they come too swiftly, and unless we seize these brief moments, we may end up missing what should have been a part of us.

And so a coffee maker appreciates the smell of coffee, when his customer craves for its taste. Two people appreciate the same thing differently, but it's the coffee that brings them together. It's the experience of sharing; for we all share some things in common, we share time to live, air to breathe. We share an identity we just never realise for we share passion of all things beautiful.

Looking back, remembering where we met our best friends, we see that many of those friendships emerged in the context of doing something interesting together over time. We went to school together. We worked in the same company. We were members of the same forum maybe, or gather at a teh tarik session.

We may begin with one shared interest and discover others.

It's only when the connection is repeated that a difference is made...

...when days of absence become days of sadness, thus clothing us in sorrow's dark array. And inside us, worry that never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, makes its presence. And little do we realise that it only saps today of its joy. .. Grasp no more than the heart will hold.

the garden - part 2

Maybe it's good to have money and the things money can buy, but it's good too, to check once in a while and make sure that we haven't lost the things money can't buy.

For those who are fortunate to be in a relationship, I suppose that should make them the happiest people, whether or not it's totally complete. When two become one, loneliness is just a vocabulory of the past. And this is happiness, for happiness is not so much in having as sharing. And being happy does not have to mean that everything is perfect but rather, the mutual readiness to look beyond the imperfections. Throughout my life, I have learned that a relationship is like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

If only I had realised that it's also like a garden... and again, it takes two to tango. But I guess the happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along the way.

kias kisah

- bukankah hati manusia bagaikan perigi, makin dalamnya ia, makin sukar dilihat airnya...?

+ mungkin juga hati ibarat bara yang lebih mudah dihilangkan kehangatannya apabila apinya sudah tidak lagi menyala...

- tapi perlukah kenyataan dikaburi khayalan, lantaran tidak semua kenyataan beriringkan perkataan... ibarat jasad yang tidak dilihat nyawanya

asad dan nyawa bukan semestinya harus bersama... tidak seumpama sekam dan api

- sekam dan api kan terbakar. Tidak bagaikan karam berdua lemas sorang...

+ bagaimana dengan kunang-kunang yang hanya berkelip di malam hari...?

- akan teranglah malam

+ dan kiranya gerhana?

- kalau tahu bulan kan gerhana, siapkan lilin teranglah malam...

+ mari bertumbuk padi jadikan empeng, lantaran pipit hendak bertenggek ke ranting...

- begitu mudah berbicara? umpama layang-layang bertali benang, putus benang berganti tali...

+ apakah harus bertanam tebu di pinggir bibir...

- batang senduduk dahan berpintal...

- mungkinkan banyak duri namun tidak sama duri selasih... ?

+ haruskah mencari rebung di tanah seberang...?

- banyak orang menanam pulut, saya seorang menanam padi...

+ ingat, awan berarak putih berseri hilang di balik awan petang...

- aneh juga tebu seberang, dari perdu sampailah ke pucuk...

+ mungkinkah tali layang sering putus terajunya...?

- ketam rencung tak pandai menyepit...

+ apakah harus bertanam kelapa di tepi pantai...

- perlukah ombak di laut meniti buih...?

+ tidak seia rotan akar yang panjang berjela...

- hilang tebing limpahlah aur...

+ nampak rendang pohon belimbing...

- di batang buruk sarang tekukur, tempat bersarang semut api...

+ sayang galah hujungnya tirus...

- bagai diulit permatang hati...

+ pergi ke perigi mengambil timba, timba terletak di pohon lada...

- tiup api embun berderai, niat hati tak hendak bercerai,

hilang sahabat boleh dicari, hilang kekasih merana diri...

rasa & raga

Sudah lama saya tinggalkannya. Sudah dua dekad. Selama itulah saya sangka saya sudah bisa melupakannya.

Namun sangkaan saya meleset kiranya. Jika inilah yang dikatakan lemah, lemahlah saya. Kalau inilah yang diandaikan rapuh, rapuhlah saya. Rupanya benar apa yang sering saya baca dan dengar. Hilang tak bererti tiada. Masa hanya ruang. Detik itu waktu. Segala yang mengisinya akan terus menjadi bayang. Tidak kan hilang. Maka pijakan saya tetap sama. Di tanah yang sama dengan segar angin yang tiada berbeza.

Berawal dari dua dekad yang lalu hingga larut dua dekad yang kemudiannya. Dan dia tetap sama. Mungkin saya sudah berubah. Dia jua. Tapi tidak hati dan perasaan. Sedekad mahupun dua dekad atau mungkin seabad lamanya, beginilah rasa dan raga saya. Lantas jiwa saya terus berdoa. Semoga dia jua sama.

boys do cry

Men who cry are brave because they just let their emotions flow. After all, a man is not made of steel. And men are just as vulnerable. And when a man is emotional, he normally expresses it through his anger. Perhaps it is healthy when a man can express his true emotions. And perhaps it is better for a man to cry than to show his sadness and pain through violence. And men is just as vulnerable. It's when men are forced to hide their emotions that causes more stress and anxiety.

I believe that it is not at all bad to show your true emotions. Human experiences emotions everyday. Although generally men are less sensitive and nature have given them more control over their emotion than women, they are still human. Thus, cry they do when emotion of pain and sadness reach to its limit and there no longer exist any room within to control. Everything has its limit and when that something reaches its limit, it bursts. And generally, most men don't cry again over the same thing, which they have learned how to control that same situation the next time it happens.

Why should one mask his feelings when that is what he is feeling? Why should a man stifle any tear when it should come in endless streams? Does showing emotions make one any less of a man?

the garden

I suppose the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. Love and relationship alike, is like a garden, one must take time to water, cultivate and pull out the weeds. For the fact that it is like a garden, one must ensure that he has the confidence in himself to ensure that the garden will remain a garden, and not turn into a bush over time. Maybe with this kind of confidence, he will consequently gain the confidence of others (in this case, his significant other).

In this process of nurturing the garden, we seek for resources. Books, consultation, experience sharing, may be of benefit, for later if not now. It's just like when you dig the well before you are thirsty. With some expectation that all of of us can be hurt, that some of us can, and some will, at times, fail, we prepare ourselves by accepting the simple rule - that we can take the worst, take the risk. Life is, after all, a risk. You love and be loved, hurt and be hurt. I believe that love may break, but I also believe that it never dies. Maybe it only changes shape.

a life to live

Life is a risk. Risk while living, loving, risk of leaving, losing, missing - a multitude of risks. In the solitude of our mothers' wombs, we are born into a world of multiplicity - full of people and no longer are we alone - alone we may not be, lonely we may be, for a solitude life sans love is no life. Some people seek love, some don't, but still it comes; for love is inevitable in one's life.

Love is thus a risk. A risk worth taking. As to every season, love has its own time, and its own reasons from coming and going. One cannot coerce it or reason it into staying. One can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes. Loving someone means giving him or her a piece of ourselves. And when that love is gone, it doesn't mean that we get that piece back but that we are forever changed by its absence.

When that love is gone, then begins the first step to recovery; and that first step is to acknowledge that the relationship is over. Let go of any grievances, try to end on a happy note remembering the good times. And we allow ourselves to grieve and cry. We never deny the sadness but instead realise that it will soon pass.

Most importantly, we do not make any decision or do anything that we may later regret. This is a highly emotional state that will pass. And of course, we start dating again when ready.

One should have no regrets for loving someone because the feeling of love for five minutes is greater than an eternity of hurt. And because life is risk, it is a risk we must take. For there's life to live, and live we must.

polygamy

Polygamy has been practiced by mankind for thousands of years. Many of the ancient Israelites were polygamous, some having hundreds of wives. King Solomon (peace be upon him) is said to have had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. David (Dawood) had ninety-nine and Jacob (Ya'kub, peace be upon them both) had four. Advice given by some Jewish wise men state that no man should marry more than four wives. No early society put any restrictions on the number of wives or put any conditions about how they were to be treated. Jesus was not known to have spoken against polygamy. As recently as the seventeenth century, polygamy was practiced and accepted by the Christian Church. The Mormons (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) has allowed and practiced polygamy in the United States.

Monogamy was introduced into Christianity at the time of Paul when many revisions took place in Christianity. This was done in order for the church to conform to the Greco-Roman culture where men were monogamous but owned many slaves who were free for them to use: In other words, unrestricted polygamy. Early Christians invented ideas that women were "full of sin" and man was better off to "never marry."

Since this would be the end of mankind these same people compromised and said "marry only one."

Actually there are three kinds of polygamy practiced in Western societies: -serial polygamy, that is, marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, and so on any number of times; -a man married to one woman but having and supporting one or more mistresses; -an unmarried man having a number of mistresses. Islam condones but discourages the first and forbids the other two.

But, what about those who never marry...?

And, does polygamy only applies in the context of man and women?

old flame

Old flames die hard. On a more serious note, I suppose it's just extremely human to consider old flames and wonder whether the past passion between two people would today be an undying flame or perhaps just a weak flicker. We are not supposed to necessarily "get over this person," but rather, to allow the intrigue of the past spice up the present. After all, were there not assorted unhappinesses - "past pain" - which might be linked to past relationship? Perhaps historical perspective is never clear or entirely accurate, but often rose-colored and influenced by present desire.

so do we act abnormally? but, isn't the normalcy of behaviour more commonly judged from the extent of separation from abnormality? And when these two extreme characteristics are solely determined by the majority... thus what is left by own self...?

the road not taken

The Road Not Taken - by Robert Frost TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I... I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

unconditional

Suppose when we attach any sort of expectation to even our kindest thought, it ceases to be a gift and becomes instead, a debt to pay. No longer is it a blessing but rather a burden to bear. So, is this not the reason so many human relationships fail? What if our own expectations are attached to our emotions then the gift of love becomes only the tie that bind. When our loved ones fail to live up to our own expectations, the relationship tends to suffer. Expectation is the food which gives rise to yet a more demanding hunger. Perhaps it is an unconditional love that is the sweetness of Life that feeds your eternal-self.

in the eyes

So what is this thing with "beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder"? A man's meat may be another man's poison? It's like to the world you may be the one person, but to one person you may be the world? How can we resent life that has been created for ourselves? Who's to blame, who's to credit, but us?

I did write once in "the habits" on my observation that it's the human nature, or is it Malaysian nature, to like, to admire, to adore foreign products. Or maybe it IS human nature to be attracted to those not really had or possessed by them? I mean, how many people actually see a watch on someone else's wrist, or a shirt on someone else's body and think that it's nicer than what they're having? Or to go to the extreme, to having the slightest idea that their girlfriends or their wives are not as beautiful as their brothers' or friends'?

I suppose unless we believe in ourselves and maintain that certain level of confidence, nothing splendid would have been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstances.

So back to beauty lying in the eyes of the beholder, we possibly have been living a democratic life, so much so that we succumb to the voice of the majority. So what the majority says is what we tend to believe. This is probably true because in "The Clan of The Cave Bear" (a book of which i cannot seem to recall the author which was later made into a movie starring Daryl Hannah), the beautiful girl (Hannah) is the ugliest creature among them...

the nicks

At one time, we had a small pool of opinions about nicknames. My friend Dileque had said that nickname is just a name given to make it easy for us to remember someone rather than the lengthy true name; while there are also those who have their nicknames to sound ‘glamorous’; and those who have them to hide their identity for certain reasons. He quoted internet chatting as one of the reasons. He was agreeable that the nickname must be accepted to be used by its owner - the person the nickname is given to.

I had agreed simply because a nickname is supposed to be a name given in derision or familiarity, like an epithet, it should thus be condoned by the person the name is given to. Any other name that such a person is being branded to is therefore just a label which he may even not pander to having.

passion...to live and let die

Passion must not cease to exist. Because things done out of not just interest but passion, and love, gives nothing but from itself. For it possesses not, nor would it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love. And don't think of directing the course of love. For love, will direct the course.

Through my life, I come to realise that to a certain point something that we, or rather i, might not have realised about before. Perhaps time and experience be the factors. So i happen to read somewhere about what surprises most about humankind? And that the answers are that men get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again. And that they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health. And that by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future. And that they live as if they will never die, and die as though they had never lived.

And my friend Camus had said, "life itself is an illusion and thus it is full of dichotomy. The dualism keeps the mass unconscious of the present moment. The trick is to transcend the illusion and experience each moment as if there is nothing else to life. Now, you are beginning to see reality. Morpheus would be greeting you, 'Welcome to the real world, Neo!' And you wished you hadn't taken the blue pill. Or was it red?"

he's not asleep

They have been married for two years. He loves literature, and often posts his work on the net, but nobody ever reads them. He is also into photography, and he handle their wedding photos. He loves her very much. Likewise with her. She has a quick temper, and always bullies him. He is a gentle man, and always gives in to her. Today, she's being "wilful" again.

Her : Why can't you be the photographer for my friend's wedding? She promised she'd pay.

Him : I don't have time that day.

Her : Hmph!

Him :Huh?

Her : Don't have time? Write less of those novels, and you will have all the time you need.

Him : I...someone will definitely recognize my work some day.

Her : Hmph! I don't care, you'll have to do it for her.

Him : No.

Her : Just this once?

Him : No.

Negotiation's broken.

So, she gaves the final warning: Give me a Yes within three days, or else...

First day. She "withheld" the kitchen, bathroom, computer, refrigerator, television, hi-fi... ...Except the double-bed, to show her "benevolence". Of course, she has to sleep on it too. He didn't mind, as he still has some cash in his pockets.

Second day. She conducted a raid and removed everything from his pockets, and warned, Seek any external help, and you bear the consequences.

He's nervous now.

Night. On the bed. He begs for mercy, hoping that she'll end this state.

She doesn't give a damn. No way am I giving in, whatever he says. Until he agrees.

Third day. Night. On the Bed. He's lying on the bed, looking to one side. She's lying on the bed, looking to the other side.

Him : We need to talk.

Her : Unless it's about the wedding, forget it.

Him : It's something very important.

She remains silent.

Him : Let's get a divorce.

She did not believe her ears.

>Him : I got to know a girl.

She's totally angry, and wanted to hit him. But she held it down, wanting to let him finish. But her eyes already felt wet.

He took a photo out from his chest. Probably from his undershirt pocket, that's the only place she didn't go through yesterday. How careless.

Him : She's a nice girl.

Her tears fell.

Him : She has a good personality too.

She's heartbroken, because he puts a photo of some other girl "close to his heart".

Him : She says that she'll support me fully in my pursue for literature after we got married. She's very jealous, because she said the same thing in the past.

Him : She loves me truly.

She wishes to sit up and scream at him : "Don't I?"

Him : So, I think she won't force me to do something that I don't want to do.

She's thinking, but the rage won't subside.

Him : Want to take a look at the photo I took for her?

Her : .....!

He brings the photo before her eyes. She's in a total rage, hits his hand away and leaves a burning mark of a slap on his face.

He sighs.

She cries.

He puts the photo back to his pocket.

She pulls her hand back under the blanket.

He turns off the light, and sleeps.

She turns on the light, and sits up.

He's asleep.

She loses sleep.

She regrets treating him the way she treats him.

She cries again, and thinks about a lot of things.

She wants to wake him up.

he wants to have a intimate talk with him.

She doesn't want to push him anymore. She stares at his chest. She wants to see how the girl looks.

She slips the photo out. She wants to cry, and she wants to laugh. It's a nicely taken photo of herself. A photo he took for her. She bends down, and kisses him on his cheek.

He smiles. He is just pretending to be asleep.